haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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