And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize