Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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