You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
