Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
