Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
