The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
