I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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