The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize