Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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