I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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