90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
