My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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