Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
