Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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