I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
