I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
