Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Still dying that you shit outside
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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