Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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