I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
