You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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