Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
