Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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