I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
