I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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