You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
