discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
