U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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