If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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