is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize