Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
