Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
