No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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