Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
youre lurking in front of me
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Damn victory sex feels great
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
