I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
