I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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