I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
