had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
