I want to make a zoo with you.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
