I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
