Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
