Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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