Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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