i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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