Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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