Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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