you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you would pick up someone in the library
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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