I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
