dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
either way he was missing a nipple.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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