I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
