dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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