that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
