ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
