Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
