**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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