come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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