Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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