Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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